I almost lost my faith completely one summer in a hospital room in Florida.
We were on my son’s Make-A-Wish trip. On the airplane my son spiked a fever. Because he was still on cancer treatment, we had to get straight off the airplane and into an ambulance on the tarmac.
Instead of Disney World, my family was headed to the hospital.
I was so mad at God. For months, I’d been praying over this trip. After all we had been through, we DESERVED this time to relax.
Then God lets THIS happen?
I sat in that hospital room despondent, asking myself why I even bothered to pray. What if it was all random? What if there really wasn’t a God?
I was on the edge of a cliff, about to jump into atheism. I felt like I had lost my faith.
Still, something inside me stirred.
It reminded me of the feeling you get when you’re in a crowd and you sense someone is looking at you. When you look up and search the faces you see them. Nothing physical or real told you they were looking.
You just knew. You sensed it.
That’s how I felt. I could sense there was something out there. Something greater than me. God.
Still, I was mad. Furious. Indignant. How dare He ignore my prayers and let this happen?
What was the point in even trying?
My husband was worried. He’d never seen me this far “gone” in my faith.
He suggested I call our priest. I resisted. It seemed weird. Plus, what would I even say. After a while, not sure what else to do, I decided to give it a try.
Our priest’s suggestion surprised me. He said to tell God how mad I was. Be honest with Him.
Trying to deny my anger – to myself or to God – was lying.
But doesn’t God already know? I challenged the priest.
Of course He did, but it’s a relationship. A conversation.
Just like in marriage, my husband might know I’m mad at him. He might even know why I’m mad. But until we talk through it I’m not going to feel better. I’m not going to just “get over it.”
It’s the same with God.
So later that day, sitting on a hospital bed holding my sick son, I told Jesus how mad I was. I let God know exactly what I thought about Him letting all this happen.
It didn’t change anything. It didn’t magically erase all the needle pokes and heartache and pain we’d endured. It didn’t magically heal my son so we could leave the hospital and go enjoy our vacation.
But as I sat in that hospital room I felt the peace of Jesus wash over me in a way that was so real I will never doubt the existence of God again.
When we’re not sure how to find faith or if we even believe in God, the one thing we have left is to tell Him that.
Out with the truth. Let God know exactly how you feel.